I do this all the times.
I come back to livejournal, or tumblr or whatever my social of choice is in that time and then I disappear for ages.
It's not really intentional I swear.
Summer's gone pretty quickly, it kinda washed away the idea of lockdown for me I went to the beach, I met with friends (always safely don't worry!) I had some sort of fun really. I got tanned. Like a lot, and that doesn't happen often.
But then the whole reality of it came biting me in the ass.
While I was somehow more free during summer now I feel constricted.
Two weeks ago I started thinking I wanted to be on lockdown again, well guess what? The cases have begun spiking up again and so is my social axiety. Add this to depression and you've got me!
Only this time I don't know how to react to it.
I've been dreading even going out with my best friend, but I am afraid that if I say no to her too many times she'll just stop asking me (she won't I know that but still..) it's not even the fear of covid tbh. It's just I get so nervous everytime I'm outside I wanna scream, and I wanna tell people to wear their fucking masks but I can't...like not really at least.
So I'm at home literally not doing anything with my life. I had goals at the beginning of this year, I literally only took 2 exams, I'm dreading the idea of writing to my tutor about the ones I have left, I'm scared I'm gonna end up with nothing either way (like whether I graduate or not) I'm not enough for anything.
On top of that I just came to terms with my sexuality.
I'm demisexual. Although that doesn't quite fit me precisely. But I've never been in a relationship not really and for the longest time I thought that was because I didn't want that. Turns out I want that. Badly.
But then again my brain comes in the middle and keeps telling me how unworthy of love I am, and evrytime I look in the mirror I'm constantly reminded that I should loose weight and that I'm not pretty enough to even put myself on Tinder.
Which is dumb yeah. And actually I'm not even sure WHO's gonna read this, if anyone is still on this site but I had to put it out there. Like to write it down. To let it all out.
Cause I don't do that often.
I'm always the one who listens rather than talks about her life. Even in therapy I just wasn't comfortable enough. And now I'm in no position to even afford that.
As usual I'm at an empasse.
I don't know where I am going, I don't know where I want to go, I don't know what I want.
And it's tearing me apart somehow.
Cause I'm a 33 year old woman with no prospect in life, with no one to count on, no job, no education basically. Nothing. I am nothing.
And society keeps pressuring me to be something. And I hate that.
So yeah there's that.
I'll get better, I don't know how but at some point it won't hurt like this anymore.
At least I hope so.